Sometimes I just want to shout. I want to let everyone know that it's not true. It's not true what you make up in your heads. Not all of you of course. But some. I think maybe the ones of you that might be having a bad day. Going through a rough time. Or whom are just plain hurting. I know. Cause I as well spend my time in that dark place sometimes.
Like regarding for instance my last blogpost. Yes I had a great summer. Yes I feel blessed. Yes it was unrealistic. Amazing. Mindblowing. But you only get parts of it - of course. Some of my moments that same summer were dark and shitty and negative. What I don't like is when I think people make things bigger than they are. When people use anyone elses highs to put themselves down. I know this doesn't apply on all of you but this blog post is dedicated to all the people who ever think: "I couldn't."
I'm gonna let you in on a secret. It's not true. Not what's in your head. But you have to stop comparing - and start aspiring. How are you ever gonna let yourself experience anything if you keep looking over the fence? And sure, why wouldn't you when FB, Twitter and blogs all over are flooding with success stories and happy faces? But the interpretation is yours to own.
Being a single parent has kind of settled on me now. I feel comfortable being just me. And Ebbe. But is it easy? Compared to before? Hell no. You have to be your own. Totally. Whatever you need, YOU have to make it happen. All by yourself. And I'm not saying you should be too proud to ask for help. Not at all. But everyday life sure will make you "run for the money".
Like the other day. Ebbe and I had been grocery shopping. Not a vast amount but still. And I had four tyres in the car that needs to go down into the cellar. And I live on the fourth floor without a lift. And Ebbe is a bit sick and tired. So what to do? M a k e i t h a p p e n.
What's the problem you might think now. And of course there is no problem. I'm grateful I even have a beautiful healthy son, a car that's still working and enough money to provide for me and my son. But in reality it also means that I end up doing the following:
Parking the car as close to my entrance as possible, which today was still about 100 m. And since Ebbe doesn't want to be alone in the car in the dark of course I bring him. If you've ever tried carrying a threeyearold who's half asleep you know they're not really feather weight. Ugh. So imagine with him on one hip carry the tyres one at the time back and forth from the car to the basement and then yet again back to the car to get the groceries up to the apartment - all with the little guy snoring against my sweaty neck. Totally trashed in the end. Nothing special about that sure. But the question is:
Where's the glamour now..?
But that's how we do it. Well most. We put the shiny stuff up front and talk in small letter about the rest. But that's not real. Reality is, as up I'm putting the little one in the bed thinking I'm a bit of a crap mom cause I should really try and brush his teeth before letting him sleep and wondering which is worse: Disturbing his sleep or letting the tooth decay have its way? Then unpacking all bags of filthy training gear, boiling some eggs to eat, answering the most hurried e-mails/bookings, trying to ignore messages from people hurting me with their words, checking phone to see whom I've unwantedly neglected today and getting back to them with word of apologies for late answer, packing new bags for tomorrow, putting on music in the background to prepare for next days classes, making tea to try and unwind, and when I'm in the bathroom getting ready for bed I sometimes see a surprised look on my face:
Who are you?? The worn, washed out woman looking back at me. Where is the self-tanned, hair-extended, teeth-whitened, smiley trouble free girl I just posted as me on my blog less than 24 hours ago?
And that's what I think people can forget sometimes. That destructive thought of the greener grass at everyone elses. The day you find a painting with no backside? Let me know. Until then - don't put yourself down. There are enough people out there who will try and do it for you. So next time you see someone in the mirror you might not recognize say:
"Hey, you might look like shit today, but I know deep down - you're awesome."